LANGUAGE VIGILANTE

LANGUAGE VIGILANTE
by Craig Froehle

You might call me a "Grammar Nazi,"
But I want to set the record straight;
I am a language vigilante
And I didn't come here to debate.

I'm a walking encyclopedia
Of punctuation and language rules.
If you ever doubt my credentials,
Here's a long list of my former schools.

I have accounts on all the websites.
I intend to point out each misdeed.
Your sentences are abominations
And your spelling makes my eyes bleed.

If you don't want me to hassle you,
Then adopt a better attitude.
Start to love subject-verb agreement
and confusing who with whom is rude.

The art of using semicolons
Is a subtle one, I will admit.
But substituting "your" for "you're"
Is an egregious crime to commit.

And when you confuse which and that
Or mix up adjectives and adverbs.
Please know I speak the truth when I say
I'm not the only one it disturbs.

Oxford commas are not optional.
Don't let anyone tell you they are.
Hyphens and dashes are different;
That you don't know that is just bizarre.

Knowing where commas go near quotations,
Is a sign of a civilized mind.
If I don't yell about your four-dot
Ellipsis, know I am being kind.

When you see a comment with nothing
But asterisked words and silent rage,
You'll know that I have visited
Your blog, Twitter, or Facebook page.

But realize that my cause is just
And my goal is nothing too extreme.
I simply want an error-free Web.
Is that too optimistic a dream?